Transforming and Harnessing the Power of Anxiety (Part 2): Our Inner Diamond
Vanessa Wolter
In this second part of Harnessing the Power of Anxiety I will share how we can go a level deeper in our work with anxiety. From reframing and soothing our anxiety we can also take the next step of valuing what is at the core of our anxiety and potentially use this energy for positive and caring action in our lives.
What is Anxiety Really?
As mentioned in Part One of this blog series, when we are in an anxiety-provoking situation we can practice reframing our anxiety. Instead of letting anxious thoughts take over which can cause us to spiral, we can focus on the neutral fact that anxiety is energy. This energy is our nervous system creating adrenaline to help us stay alert so we can protect ourselves from potential danger. Often this is a response that occurs when we are in new or unfamiliar situations or in moments which have some similarity to past painful experiences.
In Part One, I also offer a guide to discern when we are in actual danger from when we are instead projecting a worst-case narrative on a non-dangerous experience (which causes unnecessary stress on our nervous system). We can make this discernment by slowing down our thoughts and negative projections and by focusing on hard data that we gather through our five senses. This helps us stay present to what is true in the moment so that we can adapt to the current situation in a clear-minded, grounded way. To be clear, practicing slowing down and staying present doesn’t mean that we will immediately feel comfortable in a challenging situation. What it means is that we will more accurately differentiate truth from negative story. The main benefit of this practice is that we prevent our nervous system’s river of energy from overflowing into unnecessary and unhelpful feelings of overwhelm, stress, or panic.
In this second part of my blog article I will introduce another step to the practice of reframing our anxiety. There is a powerful opportunity that becomes available to us when we help our nervous system tell the difference between alertness and danger. Our alertness becomes a guide in discovering important, precious values at the center of our experiences of vigilance. Once we uncover these values, they not only help us feel better about ourselves, but they also create vital energy to motivate us towards positive action in our lives.
Protective Anxiety: a Diamond in the Rough
Think of a diamond in the rough. It is a precious jewel that is hidden within layers and layers of rock. If we held a diamond in the rough in our hands we would only notice an unremarkable rocky exterior. We would likely not realize the precious treasure it contains. Many of us would potentially throw it away, or we might criticize it for being ugly or not good enough.
Now let’s imagine that the layers of rock that surround this diamond are similar to the layers of emotional scar tissue that we carry around created after many years of challenging, disappointing, or invalidating experiences. Each time we are emotionally hurt, we might “deposit” a protective sediment to prevent us from being hurt again in the future. For example, perhaps we would like to start dating again but we feel very anxious at the thought of reactivating our dating profile. We decide to avoid getting to know potential partners for fear that it would be too painful to be disappointed again.
It is a very normal human response to protect ourselves from pain. And in many instances it might be good to avoid something that isn’t healthy for us, whether physically or emotionally. However, it’s important to be observant of our protective responses. If they become too automatic, we inadvertently tend to bury very precious aspects of our authentic self and authentic desires along with the hurt we have experienced. Paradoxically, we might get so ensconced in our defensive strategies that we end up feeling more unsafe in the world than we actually are. And even more detrimental, if our defenses go unchecked, we might hold ourselves back from taking part in fulfilling life experiences and vital growth opportunities
Reclaiming our Inner Diamond
So how do we find our way beyond our anxiety to be able to reclaim and embody our precious true self and true feelings?
Take a moment to think about something that you have gotten anxious about. Once you have that memory in mind, ask yourself:
What is my alertness protecting?
This is a key question in discovering the positive intention of anxiety and uncovering its authentic value. Let’s break this question down further by using the example from Part One of this blog: the anxiety that often comes from starting at a new job.
To review, anxiety at the core is protective energy that keeps us alert. And so to take this understanding a step further, if you are protective about something, it means you care about it, right?
So now ask yourself the question above in a different way:
What is it that I care about that needs protecting?
Using the example scenario of starting a new job, the answer to this question could be many different things to different people, but let’s shine the light on a few common possibilities. Perhaps you notice that you worry about not being good at socializing and that your co-workers probably won’t like you. In looking deeper at this anxious story, at its core is a protective alertness regarding your value for belonging and connecting well with others. Another example could be that you are worried about co-workers judging your work performance. At the core of this anxiety is your care for offering good, quality work. Yet another one could be that you are afraid of criticism when you share a project you put energy into. This might be because you care a lot about your creative vision, something that is very meaningful to you.
As you can see, this exercise can help you uncover the gem that lies at the core of your protectiveness, alertness, and, therefore, anxiety. Usually this gem is what we call a personal value. The examples above exposed the precious values of belonging, integrity, and authenticity. These are wonderfully positive values we hope to honor in our own lives as well as others’ lives!
Get to know your Inner Diamond
Once you identify the personal value that lives at the center of your anxiety, the next step is offering your own appreciation and care towards it. Using the gem metaphor, you can think of this step as the honing and polishing of a diamond to help it shine for all its worth.
Spend mindful time appreciating your personal values, just like you would a priceless jewel. Look as deeply as you can into its structure, appreciate its beauty and be curious about what it's made of. For example, if your value is belonging, take some time to journal about why belonging is so important to you.
How does it make you feel when you belong? How does it make you feel when you offer belonging to others?
Take a few mindful moments to observe any sensations these questions bring up in your body.
Do you feel pleasant sensations? Such as warmth in your chest? Do you feel your muscles relax or your breath soften?
Notice these pleasant feelings, highlight them and amplify them as if basking in warm sunshine.
Appreciating You Inner Diamond
For some people it might be easy to begin appreciating their authentic values. However, many of us might notice that as we explore our personal values it is quite difficult to appreciate them. Discovering uncomfortable feelings and thoughts is a common experience. Over time we internalize many judgments about these vulnerable, precious parts of us.
For example, you might notice that as you get in touch with the value of belonging you hear a voice in your head that says that you’re hopeless and not good enough to belong. These are the negative stories that act like rocky sediment that hide and tarnish our authentic needs. It’s important to not give up. Keep gently digging deeper. With care and mindfulness you can clear these limiting judgments.
As a guiding practice you can ask yourself:
How true is this judgment? Is it data-driven and accurate 100 percent of the time? Is it a conscious assessment of the situation or is it a knee-jerk reaction that has become an unconscious habit? Where and when did I learn this judgment?
Remember that humans love stories (as I described in Part One). Many of the stories we hold in our psyche are negative distortions about who we are. These stories might be opinions and projections handed to us by other people we have been around. But they ultimately don’t belong to us. We’ve probably been carrying around this negative sediment for so long that we don’t even know where we got it from.
Either way, you now have the opportunity to ask yourself:
Does this judgment make me feel better about myself or worse about myself?
Does it help motivate and support me or does it cause me to contract and withdraw?
Does it support me in getting closer to or further from what I need and want from life?
Becoming your Inner Diamond
Now ask yourself perhaps the most important question of all:
How do I want to feel?
There are a myriad of answers to this question but to boil it down, most of us want to feel safe, at peace, and expansive. But the tricky thing is that we cannot access these wonderful feelings if we seek them outside of ourselves. Incredibly, our nervous system does not know the difference between someone else treating us poorly from treating ourselves poorly. Rejection is rejection. Whether it comes from other or self. If we want to feel less anxious and more secure in the world we have to bring security and safety by changing the way we relate to ourselves.
Ask yourself:
How much do I value myself and my unique qualities?
The answer to this question really matters because as mentioned above, we cannot control how others view or treat us. But we do have control over how we view and treat ourselves. If the answer to this question shows you that there is room for improvement in how you perceive and appreciate yourself, know that you are not alone. Most of us struggle to see the unique and precious treasure that we already are. We need to offer ourselves the very thing we are seeking from others to unlock true security and confidence.
A Few More Ways to Practice
Below are a few more questions to help you practice connecting with and nurturing your essential self and its precious values and qualities:
If you value belonging, ask yourself, do you feel belonging within yourself?
If you value connection, do you feel connected to yourself?
If you value integrity, do you feel whole and undivided within yourself?
If you value authenticity, do you feel you can accept exactly who you are, including all of your hurts, imperfections, and limitations?
If you value trust, do you feel you can have your own back no matter how challenging things get?
If the answers to these questions are “yes” then that’s great! You are on your way to embodying these powerful qualities that imbue us with true security so that you can take positive, fulfilling action in your life.
If the answer is “no” to any of these questions, ask yourself:
What gets in the way? Keep clearing away the sediment that others have deposited around your precious heart. Does it belong to you? Do you want to keep it around?
One powerful way to practice connecting with your essential self, is imagining yourself as a child. How would you have wanted others in your life to treat you when you were a child? And how would you, as the ultimate caretaker of your inner child, want to treat them?
You Are What You Seek!
The only way to truly feel secure and confident in the world is knowing that the acceptance, belonging, connection (etc) that we are hoping to receive from the external world (sometimes to the point of extreme vigilance), are qualities and values that already exist within you. And no one in the world can ever take this diamond away from you. It is you.